Grief, the universal reaction to loss

'Grief' is the word we use to describe the feelings and reactions that we have when we lose someone we care about or something we value. Grief affects everyone: it is the universal reaction to loss. It is painful and stressful, but also natural, normal and necessary. This leaflet will focus on the feelings and reactions we are most likely to experience after a death, but feelings of grief and some of the reactions we go onto describe also affect people at the end of an important relationship, or following some other major loss.

Thoughts and Feelings

There are no right or wrong reactions to death. We all need to grieve in our own way and in our own time. For some this might mean crying, for others not. For some this is likely to take months and years, for others not. Reactions and feelings can change from hour to hour, and day to day. Some days are good while others are bad; some days you'll be up and others down again. Over time the emotional swings will lessen in intensity as you learn to adapt to your changed circumstances, but to begin with it can be hard. The following is a summary of the most common feelings:

Shock and disbelief. It can take quite some time for news of the death to sink in. You don't want to believe it - who would? You can't believe it, not at first.
Loss. You've lost so much - the person, their love, their friendship, their companionship, intimacy, opportunities, hopes... and accompanying the loss can be a deep sense of sadness.
Guilt and regret. Maybe you regret having said that hurtful thing or not visiting the previous week as you'd promised. You feel bad for feeling angry. Some will feel "survivor guilt" - to be alive when another is dead. If the death was suicide, feelings of regret and guilt will probably be heightened. You might also feel shame or blame yourself.
Injustice. Why did s/he have to die so young? Why did this have to happen to me? It's not fair!
Envy. You might envy others for having what you don't have - the friend, lover, mother, father... that you have just lost. You could also envy others their apparently carefree lives.
Anger. You might feel angry with the world or with people for:

causing the death
not being able to cure the illness
not understanding your feelings
making thoughtless remarks
carrying on with life and having fun.

You might feel angry with yourself too, for what you did or did not do. But perhaps most difficult of all, you might feel angry with the dead person for dying and abandoning you and for the pain you are suffering as a result of their death.

Loneliness. Grieving can be a lonely process. You may feel that no-one can possibly understand what you are going read more