who desert the alcoholic/addict. Because many co-dependents grew up in chemically dependent families, they do not recognise that they are suffering emotionally. Depression and low self-worth have been experienced for so long that these conditions seem normal.
  • Inability to see how they contribute to the chemical abuse:  Co-dependents are typically resistant to change. They become immobilised by their own sense of guilt. Leaving the alcoholic/addict is not an option, because they fear being overwhelmed by guilt feelings. These feelings make self-examination very painful; in fact, co-dependents may develop a great deal of secondary anxiety about feeling guilty. From a systems perspective, these beliefs and feelings preserve the family balance, but they blind the co-dependents from seeing their own role in maintaining the drinking or drugging.
  • Difficulty in viewing the relationship problem with objectivity:  Frequently co-dependents are so guilt-ridden, frustrated, and angry that they can only see their relationship problems in moralistic terms. They have a strong tendency to blame either themselves or the alcoholic/addict. It is often difficult for a co-dependent to ‘frame up’ the problem as one of faulty learning, distorted communication, or a disease. The counsellor should attempt to help co-dependents stop blaming themselves, the alcoholic/addict, or others. Rather, the focus should be on solutions.
  • Fear of change:  Typically, co-dependents fear and resist change. Again, from a systems perspective, co-dependents may have an emotional investment in the alcoholic’s/addict’s continued drinking/drug use. These are almost always unconscious desires. They may fear change (i.e., abstinence/recovery) because they
    • do not want assertive, sober loved ones;
    • may find something attractive, risky, or even sexy about the alcoholic’s/addict’s intoxicated behaviour;
    • may be financially dependent on the substance abuser, and fear that divorce or other disruption would come with sobriety;
    • may want to avoid sexual relations, which would resume with sobriety; or
    • expect some family conflict or secret (e.g., incest) to emerge during sobriety.

    Cognitive Distortions in Co-dependency

    Certain maladaptive beliefs tend to be common among co-dependents. It would be appropriate to explore the extent to which each of the following beliefs prevail in co-dependent clients’ self-talk. Helping them change debilitating internal dialogues will allow them to tend better to their own emotional needs. Some examples of dysfunctional thinking include the following:
    1. I can’t live without my mate (child, parent, etc.).
    2. I must stay with my mate.
    3. I should be able to change my mate.
    4. I have the power to upset him/her.
    5. I am worthless without him/her.
    6. It is horrible when my mate is upset or drinking.
    7. I can’t stand his/her drinking.
    8. My needs are less important than those of my mate.
    9. My mate could not live without me.
    10. It is better to stay in pain than to attempt change.
    11. If I only behaved better, my mate would drink less.
    12. My mate drinks because there is something wrong with me.
    13. There is something terribly wrong with me, and I must hide it from others.
    14. I do not deserve to have a satisfying, loving relationship.
    15. Because of the way I was raised as a child, I cannot now change myself.
    16. If my mate would stop drinking, our relationship would be perfect.
    17. If I loved my mate more, he/she would drink less.
    (published with permission in writing from:http://addiction.ie)




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